I am a disaster. At all times. A nervous ball of anxious energy. I constantly vacillate between needing a nap and needing to run a marathon to exhaust all of my energy. (not that I would ever actually run a marathon because effort is not really my thing) I have been a socially awkward hot mess for since I was a kid. Very square peg, round hole thing happening my whole life. Didn't fit in with the popular kids, and was even too weird for some of the weird kids. It has been a struggle. A struggle to find friends, my place, and even the right job.
It wasn't until I was nearly 18 that I finally made a few friends that seemed to appreciate my brand of weirdness. Sure I had a few friends along the way, but they were usually as awkward as me and just as terrible at keeping up a friendship as I was. But when I was 18 I started finding people who didn't seem to mind that I was an odd duck. Some of them even seemed to prefer me on my weirdest days. This was my tribe. These were my people. It wasn't always perfect, but it was the best I had known so far.
I am now the ripe old age of 38 and some of those people I met 20 years ago are still my people, but I have moved and made new friends along the way. I have also left behind many people in that 20 years. As I have gotten older I have realized how many people truly are just awful. But that was more just growing up than being weird and awkward.
A funny thing happened in my early to mid 20's. I decided I wanted to be more social, to have more friends, to see what life was like outside of just sitting on couches with friends. I made a choice that I would act confident. Just fake it until I made it. Some of the people who had watched me struggle socially really cheered me on. Some of the people who I thought were my best friends hated the new confident me. I learned so many things about human nature and friendship in ways that were often uncomfortable and painful. But they are lessons I carry with me at all times now.
I met my husband when I was just 22. He played a big role in the new confident me. He was so friendly and social and knew everyone. I just wanted so much to be a part of that world. He has stuck by me through my highest points and my lowest valleys. Even my most bat-shit crazy days. (that is the technical term.) No matter how many times I think I have hit my rock bottom of making social faux pas and awkwardness, he is there to pick me up. He has watched me lose friends and make new friends and I am forever grateful when I am reminded that he is actually not just my husband but also my best friend. He isn't always present for my misadventures, but he is always there to laugh with me about them, even occasionally at me instead of with me when needed. He never lets me take myself too seriously, but also forces me to when required.
Between the love of my husband and good friends, and enemies and frenemies I have met along the way, I have managed to always remain my awkward, weird, foul mouthed, non filtered, very loud self. I have just learned to have confidence about it. And to accept my limits. No shame in my socially awkward game.
